genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
You Might Also Like
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
That’s amazing.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)