genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
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me, too, girl. me, too.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
when u come home smelling like another dog
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.