I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
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Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking
Life cycle of cat
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now
“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
“I’m not like other girls,” she said dipping her lipstick into a bowl of ranch dressing and eating it whole
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.