@Ygrene

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

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@seamussaid

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

@RedBeard3000

Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking

@HenpeckedHal

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

@Book_Krazy

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

@DurtMcHurtt

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

@celiafink

“I’m not like other girls,” she said dipping her lipstick into a bowl of ranch dressing and eating it whole

@goodhairperson

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

@kelkulus

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.