genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done