@clichedout

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

You Might Also Like

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

@ShitJokes

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

@KayArePea

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@bridger_w

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

@realHamOnWry

Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.