Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Me: *marking chart*
Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.
Well, there goes the neighborhood.