genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills