genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.