genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.


[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!


Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”


You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”


Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.


NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.


Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?


My wife thinks I’m too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!


*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?


A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.