genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen