Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My wife thinks I’m too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!
*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.