Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.