GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
You Might Also Like
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked