GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.