GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.


OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.


Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.


Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.


I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.


I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.


I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.


These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.


And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.