If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
We all have our pet causes.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.