@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

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@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@Cpt_Burnout

Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”

@GingerHotDish

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

@Darlainky

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

@murrman5

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.