Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler