Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

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Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.


Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”


My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.


Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.


“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son


At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.