Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
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Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.