Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
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I can’t stop laughing at this
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Mornin
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
j o i m p
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”