Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Netflix: We have Less