A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“You’ve put on weight”:
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating
“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:
– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.