If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.