GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

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He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N


Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.


Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.


The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.


Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.


wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”


People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.


If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??


[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR