Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@online_shawn

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

@MrYeager2

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

@ArfMeasures

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

@Shade510

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake

@TheToddWilliams

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.