@abbycohenwl
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
@rad_milk
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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@abbycohenwl
@Manda_like_wine
@Phreemann
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
@ClassicMegan
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
@WilliamAder
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
@heymonroe
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
@iwearaonesie
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
@rikpayne
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
@shutupmikeginn
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
@thatdutchperson
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR