(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*