GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle


Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is


Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either


okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underwโ€”wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith


FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time


A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.


“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.


Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake