One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.