@rad_milk

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

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@abbycohenwl

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

@Phreemann

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

@ClassicMegan

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

@WilliamAder

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

@iwearaonesie

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

@rikpayne

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

@shutupmikeginn

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

@thatdutchperson

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR