@Trisarahjtops

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

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@philmann

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

@MattTheBrand

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
 <⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

   ∧_∧ oh no
   ( ・ω・) im late for work
  _| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

 <⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

@nbadag

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@bransonreese

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

@fraservalleyjay

Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say “Hey! Sorry I’m late.”

@adamgreattweet

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”