Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.