Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?