genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
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Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!