Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!