genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
You Might Also Like
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!