@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

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@ValeeGrrl

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

@momthoughts13

How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.

@scot4bz

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

@toastymoe

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

@TheTweetOfGod

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

@kylekinane

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

@ArfMeasures

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

@famouscrab

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

@justabloodygame

Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.