At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
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How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?
No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.
I’m more than tenacious.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.