me: hi do you take walk-ins?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS
Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.
Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?