@AbbieEvansXO

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

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@daddydoubts

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

@CatsVsHumanity

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

@akatinamarie

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

@unclesshane

in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS

@DaddyJew

Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.

@FilthyRichmond

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?