“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter