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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]


me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?


“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.


The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.


*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*


*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*


Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.



H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter