@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

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@TheWeirdWorld

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

@Gupton68

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

@daplusk

‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically

@StinkyGr33n

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@zachreinert03

I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy

@Cheeseboy22

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

@ShrinkMedia

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

@panmidwest

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard