[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
G:That sounds right
You Might Also Like
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
*wipes blood off hands with napkin* I said no onions
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.