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@pixelatedboat

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@OrangeFact

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

@mooturkey

I used a fax machine today!! I also ran all the cotton thru the gin and plowed the field with my oxen while it finished dialing up.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

@cerberustic

Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@coolauntV

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

@thatUPSdude

Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.

@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times