If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.