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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice


Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.


My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account


I used a fax machine today!! I also ran all the cotton thru the gin and plowed the field with my oxen while it finished dialing up.


[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]


Turmeric is trending which will if nothing else, alert people to that first r in the spelling.


Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then


Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth


Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.


“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times