My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.