Genius idea!!
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.