@metickleu

Genius idea!!

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@gogocosmonaut

Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.

@AnkCoupleTO

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

@SCbchbum

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

@JermHimselfish

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

@envydatropic

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

@ilysmooky

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

@NrouteHQ

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.