@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

You Might Also Like

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?

@B1gBrainsMcGee

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

@Samzen_

All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.

@JessicaVarsity

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

@internetluke

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

@Ygrene

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

@CulturedRuffian

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

@dumbbeezie

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people