i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?
Anyway, I need bail money.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY