Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

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Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?


I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars


All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.


I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*


[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens


Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*


Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together


If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.


Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people