@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@david8hughes

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

@AimeeHelene1

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

@Shock_Monster

Him: Boo!

Me: Did you just call me your Boo?

Him: I was scaring you!

Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)