Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people