Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
You Might Also Like
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Very good news from my accountant
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse