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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.


My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.


*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Him: yeah!
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down


Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.


How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’


I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.


When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.


If only people were named after their tattoo’s.

This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.


If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.


Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.