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@DrakeGatsby

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

@Gen22

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

@MissNaughty1801

*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Him: yeah!
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down

@cuntbucketOG

Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.

@swisherr_tweet

How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’

@Carmel_Coleman

I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.

@FrankCurtisB

When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.

@AGStr8upNinja

If only people were named after their tattoo’s.

This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.

@HelmdawgE

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

@horacedodge

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.