Genius idea!!
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SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
You learn something every day
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Happy Caturday!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course