@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

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@withanewname

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

@SortaBad

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

@tracyofthenorth

People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.

@tweetsaboutdog

cop: you know why I pulled you over?

me: u want dating advice

cop: what… no

me: just be yourself

cop: im a cop

me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck

cop:

me: be the opposite of yourself

cop: a criminal?

me: yea

criminal:

me: you know why i pulled you over?

@peetiesays

Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.

@mrtruthandsoul

Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Even educated fleas do it.
Let’s do it.
Let’s crash headfirst into this guy going 80 mph’s windshield.

@jailrespecter

if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”

@A_AronKing

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

@jobrowneyes

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.