It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no