@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

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@ibid78

[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”

@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@RainbowJohnJ

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@thom_the_jew

i’m undressing you with my ey… oh god, no no no i’m redressing you.

@recoveringbapti

I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck

@murrman5

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go