“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: you know why i pulled you over?
Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.
Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Even educated fleas do it.
Let’s do it.
Let’s crash headfirst into this guy going 80 mph’s windshield.
if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.