*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
He took my last fry, your honor
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”