@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

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@flglmn

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

@nealbrennan

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

@NickSwardson

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

@TJ_Whitehead

By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table

@TheBoydP

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

@TeflonPawn

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

@VeganZebra

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

@IAmKatieOrr

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.