*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
You Might Also Like
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill