*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

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All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.


[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast


[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*


coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”


Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?


I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me


If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it


Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS