Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
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All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS