@AmishPornStar1

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

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@SuperApple8

All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.

@AtticusFinch79

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

@fro_vo

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

@aaronch3n

coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”

@UnFitz

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@MaryKoCo

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

@MarfSalvador

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS