Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
It do be feeling this way.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
is this how new cars are made??
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old