@GlennyRodge

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

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@greg_vee

If I’d know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I’d have spread them out a little more.

@deankarrier

As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship

@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

@TuSoonShakur

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

@Darlainky

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché

@SondraDeeMe

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

@ObscureGent

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

@eedrk

you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor