Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
bury ourselves
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’