Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“You’d better run, egg!”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop