If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.