geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
You Might Also Like
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
This is amazing.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
do u think theres a butter planet?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.