britain’s three elite institutions
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL