@FireBeets

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

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@sparticus_af

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

@distracted_monk

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

@Tlapp1

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

@TimmySeiler

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

@Social_Mime

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

@bornmiserable

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL