George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone