George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I feel seen.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
this is me
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.