George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you


Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.


If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.


My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.


I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.


Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?


*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*


Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.


[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo


WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father