@SeinfeldToday

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

You Might Also Like

@BadMikeyBad

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

@kelkulus

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

@awkwardphilippe

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@Lisabug74

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

@TheToddWilliams

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.

@SharkJelly

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

@bobvulfov

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father