@SeinfeldToday

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

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@fro_vo

[first date]
ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun

@alexlumaga

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@dumbbeezie

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

@Home_Halfway

FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning

@gruffybeard

Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.

@LionJenkins

Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me: Exactly.

@AyeGimp

Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.

@AdamBujairami

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

@ArfMeasures

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition