George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.