George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

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[first date]
ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun


Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead


*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”


The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment


FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning


Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.


Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me: Exactly.


Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.


A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.


Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition