George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.