GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off