I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
You Might Also Like
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.