Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence