German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
R.I.P.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Yup.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.