Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
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Ok, I’ll bite, what’s a shower?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I want to be rich enough that when complimented on my Star Wars t-shirt I can give it to them revealing the exact same t-shirt underneath.
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*
CHINESE WAITER: what