German cartoonist Martin Perscheid

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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”


I want to be rich enough that when complimented on my Star Wars t-shirt I can give it to them revealing the exact same t-shirt underneath.


[first date]
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table


*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up an opened lap top* this is my sound cloud, please check it out


*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that


TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible


ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*