you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.