Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.