I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
they finally got him. they got macavity
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean